Cab fare, Richard?
No, I've got to pay some biIIs.
You couId at Ieast Ieave me enough for breakfast.
Toddy, one wouId suspect you think I'm mercenary.
Try ''unscrupuIous.''
You get your money's worth.
I'd say we both get my money's worth.
Look, Toddy, if you're not happy with the arrangement--
As a matter of record, I'm not.
But to quote the immortaI bard:
''Love Iooks not with the eyes, but with the mind
''And therefore is winged Cupid painted bIind''
Have a nice day, Toddy.
I'II do my damnedest.
As you can teII, Monsieur Labisse, I have a Iegitimate voice.
Yes, I'm Iooking for something a IittIe more iIIegitimate.
-I'm sure that with a IittIe practice I-- -Lady.
That's Iike a nun saying, with practice, she'd be a streetwaIker.
-It has to come naturaIIy. -Right.
In some professions, practice is a minor consideration...
...so take my advice and stick to Carmen.
I'm a coIoratura, Monsieur Labisse, not a mezzo.
WeII, whatever you are, André CasseII shouId never have sent you over here.
-He didn't. -You toId me he was your agent.
I Iied. Thank you.
In spite of what you think...
...there are some professions where practice does make perfect.
-What in heII was that? -B fIat.
-Monsieur le directeur, she's back. -What?
Hey!
Miss Grant.
You owe me two weeks.
-HoId it, hoId it. -What?
You promised to pay me on Tuesday, then on Wednesday, then on Thursday.
-What's that? -What?
Spaghetti?
Yes. With meatbaIIs.
I'II sIeep with you for a meatbaII.
-You'II what? -Missed your chance.
Oh, no, you don't! It won't do you any good.
I've been in the hoteI business for 20 years. I know aII the angIes.
Come on, get up. Get up! I don't care if you got the bubonic pIague.
If you can't pay the rent...
...I'II confiscate your personaI beIongings and I'II evict you.
What happened?
You made me an offer I couIdn't refuse and then you pretended to faint.
Don't be ridicuIous. I never pretend to faint.
Yeah, sure.
-What are you doing? -I am heIping you to stand up.
-I thought I was standing. -Maybe you'd Iike to Iie down.
You're confusing me.
I'm sure we can do something about the rent.
Whatever you may think, I'm not an ungenerous man.
-What? What is it? -There!
-Where? -There!
-What? -A cockroach!
What?
I'm sorry! I can't stand cockroaches!
-I see. EspeciaIIy in a hoteI room? -Anywhere!
You won't teII the Department of HeaIth if I forget your rent?
I'II teII you once more, I'm getting my money.
And just in case you thought of Ieaving us during the night....
PIease, don't Ieave me! PIease!
I know what it is. I'm dreaming.
That's Toddy warbIing again.
Waiter!
How boring.
Thank you. You're most kind.
In fact, you're every kind.
I see we have a ceIebrity with us tonight.
Miss Simone KaIIisto, star of stage, screen and an occasionaI circus.
-Take a bow, darIing. -Up yours, chéri.
Speaking of the circus...
...aren't you Richard Di Nardo the weII-known trapeze artist?
CarefuI, Toddy.
You're not reaIIy funny, you know.
So, why don't you just piss off?.
You ought to be ashamed of yourseIf, bringing your sweet, oId mother...
...into a pIace Iike this.
Ladies and gentIemen, you have a deIightfuI surprise coming to you.
No! No! PIease!
But nobody was seriousIy hurt.
That's why I'm onIy cIosing you for a week.
You know how much I wiII Iose in one week?
A quarter of what you'II Iose in a month if there is any more troubIe.
You're fired.
I can't afford it.
You can't afford it? What about me? What about aII this?
More ice.
-You couId take it out of my saIary. -Toddy, get out!
-AII right. -And don't come back!
If you ever set foot in this pIace again, I wiII have you thrown out!
Don't make it sound Iike such a threat.
Being thrown out of here is better than being thrown out of a Ieper coIony.
Out!
Something to drink?
CouId I see your wine Iist?
We have a white, 1934. We have a red, 1934.
Last week we had some rosé, but we're using it in the saIad.
-Which do you recommend? -The red is 6 centimes cheaper.
I'II have the white.
I'II bet you're a RockefeIIer.
Something wrong?
-I thought maybe you had a dog. -Dog?
I've onIy been gone five minutes. I figured something heIped you eat it.
It was deIicious.
-You want a saIad? -Later.
Later.
The chicken was so good, I thought I'd try the pork.
-Good. -Does it take Iong?
About haIf an hour.
-What about the boeuf bourguignon? -That's ready.
I'II have that, and I'II have the saIad afterwards.
You reaIize, of course, you're entitIed to two saIads.
-CouId you put them both on one pIate? -That's possibIe.
Terrific.
DeIicious wine.
Maybe you'd Iike to choose your two desserts.
AppIe fIan and Coupe Jacques might go weII together.
Just a smaII coffee.
Good evening. I had the pIeasure of hearing you sing this afternoon.
You must be mistaken. I haven't sung in about two weeks.
Your audition at Chez Lui.
That wasn't singing, and I wouId hardIy caII it an audition.
-I used to work there. -My condoIences.
I hope I haven't bothered you.
I wanted to teII you that you have a IoveIy voice...
...and to say how sorry I am I can't buy you dinner.
Thank you.
-Pardon me, monsieur. -Thank you.
CouId I have a knife and fork, pIease?
Excuse me.
Why are you sorry that you can't buy me dinner?
-Cassé. -Broke?
I'm aIso CarroII Todd. Toddy, to nearIy everybody who knows me.
Victoria Grant.
-I hope we meet again when I'm fIush. -Won't you sit down? PIease?
Have dinner with me.
Thank you.
You know, it's very strange.
At the cIub I thought you were at the end of your rope.
I was. I am.
This is the first decent meaI I've had in aImost four days.
And you can't pay for it.
Cassée.
And you want me to have dinner with you.
I want you to have the best damned dinner you ever had.
Have two.
I started off with the roast chicken and I went to the boeuf bourguignon.
-Who knows what I couId end up with. -I'd guess about 30 days.
If aII goes weII, I expect to Ieave here poor but sated.
I have a bug in my purse.
At the appropriate moment, it goes in my saIad.
-It'II never work. -A bug in my saIad?
In a pIace Iike this it'd be an event if there wasn't a bug in your saIad.
-What about a cockroach? -A cockroach?
Bigger than your thumb.
-Oh, God. -Waiter?
Try the chicken. I reaIIy recommend it.
The bourguignon is just a IittIe tough.
Maybe the way you're eating, your jaws are getting tired.
Speaking of overworked jaws, treat yours to a sabbaticaI...
...and fetch me a wine Iist.
-This is aII they have. -This?
Last time I saw a specimen Iike this they had to shoot the horse.
How Iucky can you get?
In one evening a RockefeIIer and a Groucho Marx.
They didn't shoot a reaI horse.
Just a costume with two waiters in it.
I shaII think of a sharp retort whiIe I am getting your roast chicken.
It's a wise man who knows when to throw in the toweI.
And it is a moron who gives advice to a horse's ass.
I made the dressing myseIf with the Iast of the rosé.
-I bet it's deIicious. -I wouIdn't bet. Go on, try it.
I think I'II wait tiII the bourguignon settIes a bit.
-You don't have to eat it. -I want to.
You wiII be the first to know.
-You'd better go now. -I want to Iend my support.
That's IoveIy, but it's my cockroach in my purse...
...and I have to get it into my saIad.
I'm wiIIing to take over your saIad. You can sIip me the purse under the tabIe.
You hate cockroaches as much as I do. What if I manage and you faint?
-Then it's possibIe I'II wake up in prison. -I can't taIk you out of it?
You don't have time.
Now, be carefuI it doesn't crawI out.
-Anybody Iooking? -No.
-I don't see it. -How's the saIad?
-Have you tried it yet? -No.
-No, I was just about to. -We wouId Iike another bottIe of wine.
We'd Iike to try the red.
A cockroach!
-Cockroach? -In my saIad!
-I can't beIieve it! -I don't beIieve it.
-Are you impugning the Iady's integrity? -She's impugning my saIad.
No. I'm sure it wasn't your fauIt that your saIad had a cockroach in it.
-It didn't and it wasn't. -I demand to see the manager.
Yes, sir.
-This Iady found a cockroach in her saIad. -So I gather.
-What are you going to do about it? -I'm going to apoIogize.
Madame, I regret that you found a cockroach in your saIad.
I can assure you that in the five years I've been running this pIace...
...there've onIy been two other occasions when customers compIained of...
-...finding insects in their food. -See? It's happened before.
On both occasions it turned out that the customers had actuaIIy...
...put the insects in their food, hoping to bIackmaiI the restaurant...
...and thus avoid having to pay their checks.
SureIy you're not suggesting that--
That madame's trying to avoid paying her check?
Of course not. As the manager of this restaurant...
...I hope madame accepts my apoIogy for any inconvenience she was caused.
Thank you. Madame does.
Now, that is what I have done about it.
-What are you going to do about it? -I?
-There is stiII the matter of your check. -My check?
There was no cockroach in your saIad.
No, I invited this man to have dinner with me.
Oh, I see.
Am I to gather, madame, that since this gentIeman is your guest...
...you don't feeI that you shouId pay for his dinner either?
WeII, under the circumstances, that's the onIy IogicaI concIusion avaiIabIe.
Yes.
I wiII teII you what I consider to be the onIy concIusion avaiIabIe:
Either you or madame wiII pay the--
This way!
What?
I was the Ieading soprano of the Bath Touring Light Opera Company.
-You're very athIetic for a soprano. -Because I have three brothers.
I know what you mean. I grew up with two oIder sisters.
-BIess you. -Thank you.
I think I'm catching a coId.
-Do you have any bicarbonate? -Top sheIf.
I have the worst heartburn.
-Can I ask you a question? -You want to know if I'm a homosexuaI.
No. I want to know if you're a hypochondriac.
Not necessariIy.
WeII, my husband was.
The day we got married he got the shingIes.
The day we got divorced his uIcer perforated.
-How Iong have you been homosexuaI? -How Iong have you been a soprano?
Since I was 12.
I was a Iate bIoomer.
What happened to the Bath Touring Light Opera Company?
I guess you couId say Lou Cassava took French Ieave with the bankroII.
Lou Cassava?
-Our stage manager. Sam put him up to it. -Sam?
My ex-husband.
Oh, God.
You know...
...you shouId stay in bed and force Iiquids.
That's good advice for a cameI.
-Have anybody to take care of you? -It's onIy a coId.
A coId tonight couId be pneumonia by the morning.
Are you sure your husband was a hypochondriac before he married you?
-I know you think I'm an aIarmist. -OnIy because you sound Iike one.
I've had enough personaI experience to know...
...that when it comes to your heaIth it doesn't pay to take chances.
Then, you can stop worrying.
With the exception of saxophone Iessons and the metro...
...I never pay to take anything.
-You know what I'm going to do? -What?
I'm going to see if my cIothes are dry, and then try to sneak back into my hoteI.
And what if I wake up with pneumonia?
WeII, I'II just have to come around earIy in the morning and check on you.
I couId have a reIapse in the middIe of the night.
-No, you couIdn't. -Why couIdn't I?
Because the middIe of the night was about two hours ago.
Oh, my God!
What?
It was guaranteed not to shrink.
My best dress.
-Look. -Let's see.
There's nothing to Iet down.
-I can't go out Iike this. -WeII, what about the coat?
What am I going to do?
SeII matches.
Poor baby.
I'm sorry. This hasn't been my day.
God, there have been times I'd have given my souI to cry Iike that.
No. I hate it.
You wouIdn't if you couIdn't do it anymore.
WeII...
...tomorrow I'II go over and pick up your cIothes.
-They won't Iet you. -They wiII if I pay your biII.
You can't do that.
Why not? This is that rainy day I've saved up a few francs for.
Here.
-You know what they say. -What?
''Neither a borrower nor a Iender be.''
-''A Ioan oft Ioses both itseIf and friend.'' -ExactIy.
You were wiIIing to compromise your virtue for a meatbaII.
I was out of my mind at the time. At Ieast it was something for something.
Right. We'II make this strictIy a business proposition.
I'II charge you a weekIy interest...
...equivaIent to the going rate of one meatbaII.
Oh, damn.
-Toddy, you're sweet and generous. -Exhausted.
How wouId I ever pay you back?
WeII, we'II soIve that tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm giving the orders.
You're going to get into those pajamas and come to bed.
-There? -You're weIcome to the sofa.
You have my word, this is much more comfortabIe, and infiniteIy safer.
God!
There's nothing more inconvenient than an oId queen with a head coId.
I won't be Iong.
I resent being treated Iike a heIpIess invaIid.
WiII you keep your mouth shut?
Now, I'II cash the check, pay my hoteI biII...
-...and be back in time to fix Iunch. -I can bIoody weII fix my own Iunch.
Not with a fever you can't.
What makes you so sure I've got a fever?
-Because you're burning up, that's why. -I'm naturaIIy warm-bIooded.
To be that naturaIIy warm-bIooded you'd have to be a Saint Bernard.
You Iook better in Richard's cIothes than he does.
Of course, he Iooks better out of them. WeII?
You're right. You don't have a fever.
You don't even have a temperature. Now, Ieave it there.
-Does Richard have a hat? -In the cIoset.
-Toddy? -Richard.
Good morning, Richard. You Iook Iike a raccoon.
I came to pick up my things.
I thought it was to pay me the money you owed me.
I don't owe you a thing, you pathetic, oId queer.
You bastard!
Get up!
You, get back in bed!
-Who was that? -Now...
...next time, pick on someone your own size.
-And don't come back! -Good.
Oh, my God!
What happened?
There was a man wearing my cIothes. I think he broke my nose.
Toddy! You're deIirious.
-Lower your voice. -Toddy!
-Lower. -Toddy.
-Caruso, not ChaIiapin. -If you don't get back--
When you're angry it drops naturaIIy. Think angry.
-What an inspiration! -I'II get a doctor.
-Victoria, it'II work! -It won't.
If you Iisten to me and do as I say, in six weeks you'II be...
...the toast of Paris and we wiII both be very rich.
-Oh, yes. -Very, very rich!
-But, my God! -Think.
No more Bath Light Opera Company. No more Mikado and seedy tenors.
-Yes, but-- -Caviar instead of meatbaIIs!
-Where're you going? -To get some scissors!
PeopIe beIieve what they see.
This afternoon André CasseII wiII meet Europe's greatest femaIe impersonator.
André CasseII is the biggest agent in Paris.
If I'm great, why hasn't he heard of me?
You're the greatest, but you're unknown, except in PoIand.
-PoIand? -You're Count Grazinski, PoIish aristocrat.
You speak very IittIe EngIish.
Your famiIy disowned you when they found out you're gay.
Wait!
We met in Warsaw, feII in Iove, I brought you to Paris.
-HoId it! -What's wrong?
''What's wrong?'' What's right?
A woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman?
-RidicuIous. -It's preposterous.
It's so preposterous, no one wouId beIieve it.
-You expect them to beIieve Count.... -Grazinski.
Grazinski, a gay, PoIish femaIe impersonator.
DarIing, aII anybody has to beIieve is that you're a man.
To convince an audience that an iIIusion is reaI...
...the magician creates a pIausibIe diversion.
-Count Grazinski is our pIausibIe diversion. -Toddy, no audience is that guIIibIe.
-They'II know he's a phony. -Right.
-WeII? -They'II know he's a phony.
Toddy, I don't know how to act Iike a man.
Contrary to the popuIar conception of how a man acts...
...there are different men who act in different ways.
I mean, as opposed to the way women act.
I am personaIIy acquainted with at Ieast a dozen men who act exactIy Iike women...
...and vice versa.
But there are some things that are naturaIIy mascuIine.
Name one.
Peeing standing up.
There's absoIuteIy no ruIe that says a man can't sit down.
-Men have Adam's appIes. -So do some women.
-Name one. -Nana Lanoux.
-What? -Taxi!
-Nana Lanoux? Who's she? -The Iast woman I sIept with.
When was that?
The night before the morning I decided to become a homosexuaI.
-Very dashing. -I can't wear this aII the time.
Why not? You might set a fashion.
-Did Miss Lanoux have a big Adam's appIe? -Like a coconut.
Good morning.
WouId you pIease teII Mr. CasseII that CarroII Todd is here?
Why?
If you don't have an appointment with Mr. CasseII...
...why shouId I teII him you're here?
Because Mr. CasseII and I are very cIose friends.
And if you teII him I'm here, he'II want to see me.
That's not very compIicated, is it?
Being a very cIose friend, I'm surprised you don't know that every Wednesday...
...at this time, Mr. CasseII has his hair cut, and he never sees anyone...
...incIuding his very cIose friends.
We'II wait.
-You're wasting your time. -Oh, no. You are wasting it.
Mr. CasseII?
No, Miss SeIma.
-No, I mean, I wish to see Mr. CasseII. -No.
I am LecIou, the worId's greatest equiIibrist.
On Wednesdays Mr. CasseII onIy sees Giannini, the worId's greatest barber.
Very weII then.
If Mr. CasseII cannot see me then I shaII perform...
...for you.
What are you doing? Get off! WiII you get off?.
Get off that desk! WiII you get off?.
-HeIIo, André. -Toddy? What the deviI....
André, it's very important that you meet Count Victor Grazinski.
-Who is Count Victor Grazinski? -SureIy you're joking.
He is Europe's greatest femaIe impersonator.
Never heard of him.
In aII modesty, if I haven't heard of him...
...he can't be Europe's greatest anything.
-Count, wouId you demonstrate? -CertainIy.
What the heII?
Count, with your voice and my connections...
...you're going to get rich and I'm going to get richer.
To a Iong and profitabIe reIationship.
Now, when can you open?
Where?
-Here. -Here?
Here?
-Six weeks. -ExceIIent.
Here.
-Try it a tone Iower. -Okay.
Nope. Try a third.
A third?
AII right.
Perfect. It's just Iow enough to be a touch mascuIine.
Now, when you're dancing, remember, make it broader, with tons of shouIder.
Remember, you're a drag queen!
-He's fantastic. -He's a phony.
-What do you mean? -If he's a PoIish count, I'm Greta Garbo.
WeII, Greta, whatever he is, I think he's divine.
-Oh, God! I'II never make it! -Listen to me.
From the beginning we've had two major obstacIes to overcome.
My bosom.
First, convincing everyone you're a man.
-So far, we've done that. -It's been damn uncomfortabIe.
-What has? -Strapping down my bosom.
AII you've got to do is to get out and show what a great artist you are...
...and you'II be a star for the next 20 years.
If I have to strap down my bosom for the next 20 years...
...they'II end up Iooking Iike two empty waIIets.
-Sit up. -Then what?
-Stand up. -Sit up, stand up, throw up.
Now, you are not going to be sick.
Not if I faint first.
We got a fuII house.
I've sent 300 invitations and everyone's turned up...
-...except King Marchand. -WeII, who's King Marchand?
Among other things...
...he's the most successfuI nightcIub owner in Chicago.
And the other things?
Nothing worth mentioning if you want to stay aIive.
Ladies and gentlemen!
The nightclub is proud to present the one and only Victoria!
She's a winner.
Bravo!
Brava!
Watch this.
It's a guy.
Excuse me. Pardon me. Come on, dear.
I hope six, eight weeks, or something.
-Hi. -HeIIo.
I'm Norma Cassady.
-You were just grand. -Thank you.
And this is King Marchand.
-How do you do? -How do you do?
I got to admit for a whiIe there I was reaIIy cheesed off.
King's tongue was hanging out a foot.
When you took that wig off, I just couIdn't beIieve it.
-King stiII doesn't. -WeII, I'm fIattered.
I'm deIighted you couId make it, Mr. Marchand.
-Thank you. -May I introduce Mr. Todd?
-How're you? -It's a pIeasure.
This is Miss Cassady.
-Mademoiselle. -Enchanted.
Me, too.
-WeII, what do you think of our new star? -He thinks he's a phony.
-She's very taIented. -What?
-He doesn't think you're a man. -I'II teII her what I think.
-''Her.'' You see? -Norma.
-What? -MingIe.
Sure.
You care to mingIe with me, Mr. Todd?
Miss Cassady, excIuding Victor's performance...
...mingIing with you may turn out to be the highIight of the evening.
-I just Iove Frenchmen. -So do I.
-I'II get you a drink. -WeII, thank you.
You were saying, Mr. Marchand?
WeII, I just find it hard to beIieve that you're a man.
Because you found me attractive as a woman?
Yes, as a matter of fact.
-It happens frequentIy. -Not to me.
It proves the oId adage, ''There's a first time for everything.''
I don't think so.
-But you're not 100 percent sure. -PracticaIIy.
But to a man Iike you, someone who beIieves he couId never...
...under any circumstances, find another man attractive...
...the margin between ''practicaIIy'' and ''for sure'' must be...
...as wide as the Grand Canyon.
If you were a man, I'd knock your bIock off.
-And prove that you're a man. -That's a woman's argument.
Your probIem, Mr. Marchand, is that you're preoccupied with stereotypes.
I think it's as simpIe as, you're one kind of man...
-...I'm another. -And what kind are you?
One that doesn't have to prove it, to myseIf or anyone.
Excuse me.
Cheers.
You're kidding!
You reaIIy are queer?
We prefer ''gay.''
But you're so attractive.
WeII, I just think it's a terribIe waste.
-You know what I think? -What?
I think that the right woman couId reform you.
You know, I think the right woman couId reform you, too.
Me, give up men? Forget it!
You took the words right out of my mouth.
Norma?
I stiII think it's a terribIe waste.
WeII, if it's any consoIation, I assure you it is not wasted.
Norma?
Au revoir.
Me, too.
Come on, get out of my way. Go on, go on.
See you in church.
-Don't ever Ieave me aIone Iike that again. -What did you think of King Marchand?
King Marchand is an arrogant, opinionated, chauvinistic pain in the ass.
-I think I couId faII in Iove with him. -I think I couId, too.
I'm teIIing you, he's gay.
I know aII about it. We had a Iong taIk.
They met in PoIand or something, and he brought him to Paris.
And he's making him a big star.
They're Iovers.
And I know why you don't want to beIieve it.
Can I take you to your hoteI?
-That's kind of you, André, but-- -We'd be deIighted.
-HoteI? -Why not?
I heard you, Norma, I heard you.
I just don't know what you're so burned up about.
Thank you. I mean, it was a perfectIy naturaI mistake.
-Knock it off, Norma. -But Squash thought he was a woman.
If you think about it, it's reaIIy very funny.
He isn't bad Iooking...
...but I knew he was a man right away. It's the padding.
I don't care how cIever those costumes are.
I mean, there are just some things you cannot fake.
I mean, even with aII those hormone shots...
...and everything, a reaI woman can aIways teII.
Can you imagine what SaI Andratti wouId say...
...if he knew his partner feII for a femaIe impersonator?
-Check under the beds? -Yes.
Now, I know he's supposed to protect you...
...but does he have to stay in the same suite with us?
I mean, I just keep expecting him to break in whiIe...
...we're making Iove.
He'd onIy do that if he heard something unusuaI...
...Iike if I got excited.
Why, you take a....
Listen to me, you creep!
You mind your goddamn business!
-Good evening, sir. -Good evening.
Thank you, André.
-'Bye, Toddy. -Victor, get some sIeep.
Toddy, this is the Monceau. Where're you going?
Up.
Entrez.
-That's far enough. -Toddy, what are you up to? Toddy?
HoIy merde!
-Toddy, when did we move? -During dress rehearsaI.
But what if I'd fIopped?
Then, we wouId have ordered a sumptuous meaI, charged it to room service...
...drunk the champagne, compIiments of the management....
And jumped out the window.
Which is why I chose a three-star hoteI, and specificaIIy requested...
...accommodations above the third fIoor.
-Toddy. -Monsieur.
-The bathroom is a reIigious experience. -I can hardIy wait.
When can we afford another bedroom?
After we're sure you're not just a fIash in the pan.
My God!
Besides, one bedroom, one bed, promotes the iIIusion that we're Iovers.
WeII, if for some reason we decide we'd rather sIeep apart...
...there's more than enough room in the bathtub.
Yes. And if we have an overnight guest he can aIways stretch out in the bidet.
Right.
-I Iove you. -I Iove you, too, sir.
Aren't you coming to bed?
King.
I'm horny.
Okay. AII right.
-ObviousIy a music Iover. -I dare you to hit high C.
WeII, I wiII if you wiII.
If I couId, I wouId be the star and you wouId stiII be trying...
...to swap your virtue for a meatbaII.
Speaking of virtue...
...were you serious about King Marchand?
Were you?
-I asked you first. -That's an infantiIe evasion.
Okay. I find him extremeIy attractive.
Check.
In fact, I wouIdn't mind having an affair with him.
I'II buy that.
You know, pretending to be a man...
...has its disadvantages.
My dear count...
...you just said a cotton-picking mouthfuI.
Pooky.
It's no big deaI.
It happens to everyone. Men, I mean.
We're Iucky.
Women, I mean. We can fake it if we have to.
Don't get me wrong.
I never have with you.
Faked it, I mean.
With you it's Iike...
...pow, pow, pow...
...Iike the Fourth of JuIy! Every time.
Just tonight, because you couIdn't get it.
Up tiII now it's been grand, reaIIy, reaIIy grand.
And if there's one thing I know for sure...
...you can't Iet it get you, you shouId excuse the expression, down.
You can't think about it. You just got to put it out of your mind.
I mean, the more you think about it, the more you worry.
The more you worry, the more you think. Think, worry.
Good stuff.
Worry, think. It just gets Iike a vicious circIe.
And then, before you know it, you are impudent.
What's with the soap?
-Look out. -You son of a bitch!
Now, Norma.
Nobody puts soap in my mouth! Not even my mother!
He's very chiIdish.
I'm going to kiII him! I'm going to kiII you, too!
-You big muscIe-brain! -You have to Iearn to controI yourseIf.
-Oh, God! -Oh, shit!
This is it. Hurry!
You and your ideas! ''Why not take her to Paris with you?''
I just thought she'd heIp you reIax.
-She'd never heIp me reIax. -WeII, then, send her home.
Why don't you ever come up with a reaIIy good idea?
-For instance? -You send her home!
Thinks he can just push me around.
Thinks I'm going to hop on the next boat for the States and that'II be that.
WeII, you've got another thing coming...
...Mr. Big Shot Fairy Marchand.
Because Mrs. Cassady's IittIe girI Norma...
...ain't going to take this one Iying down.
And don't kid yourseIf!
You ain't seen the Iast of me yet.
Are you okay?
-Can you beIieve this weather? -I thought we Ieft Chicago.
Can you see that Count Grazinski gets this, pIease?
Yes, sir.
-Count Grazinski. -Yes, sir, 432.
Right.
Hi, Norma.
-That's reaIIy funny. Good night, Squash. -Good night, boss.
Give me the housekeeper, pIease.
-I thought you were going to bed. -I think I'm having an anxiety attack.
You better get some sIeep.
I may want to get up in the morning and pIay some goIf.
Boss, it's snowing outside.
We'II use red baIIs.
Yes, this is Mr....
King Marchand.
Mr. Todd in Suite 432.
WouId you be kind enough to have a maid bring up some extra toweIs, pIease?
-Oui, monsieur. -Thank you so much.
Monsieur?
Bonsoir.
Bonsoir, Monsieur Todd. C'est pour le Comte.
Merci.
The concierge gave me this, but there's nothing on it.
Mustn't forget. Important photography session in the morning.
-What's funny? -Watch the birdie.
-I haven't been so tired in my whoIe Iife. -You're stiII a young man.
But not for Iong.
-AII I want is a nice hot bath. -I had one once. You'II Iove it.
-Toddy! -Sorry!
This is ridicuIous. I don't think I can sIeep, I'm so tired.
-I'II get you a cognac. -That'II heIp me sIeep?
No, but it'II make staying awake a heII of a Iot more fun.
Here.
Guaranteed to Iift your spirits and warm your cockIes.
That's my troubIe. I don't have any cockIes.
-You hungry? -No, thanks, Iove. I'm too tired.
What? Who is this?
-I couId sIeep for a week. -What?
I can't understand you. What?
What room did you want?
Who?
No, I'm not Señor Gomez from BarceIona.
And, unIess he's hiding under my bed, you have the wrong room.
What the heII?
Why did you open the window?
Oh, forget it. Go to sIeep.
-Freezing! -SmaII wonder.
Oh, damn.
I Ieft the Iight on in the other room.
You got the fIoor aII wet.
Bitch, bitch, bitch.
-Do you have heat in your room? -Yes.
WeII, you're Iucky!
Hi, SaI. Thanks for coming by.
Norma, what's on your mind?
-It's King. -Shacking up with another dame.
No, another guy.
It's so terribIe.
Run that by me again.
WeII, there's this PoIish fairy, you see.
Even when I was a second-rate soprano I had a proper dresser.
Who couId swear that you were a second-rate soprano...
-...and not a first cIass imposter. -You trust my dressmaker.
He trusts me not to reveaI certain things...
...that wouId be embarrassing to his wife and six chiIdren.
You ought to be ashamed of yourseIf.
Shame is an unhappy emotion invented by pietists...
...in order to expIoit the human race.
-Who said that? -I said that.
-You don't beIieve in shame? -I beIieve in happiness.
It's André.
King Marchand has just offered me a fortune for you to appear at his cIub.
WouId you pIease be more specific with your nouns?
-$10,000 a week. -That's not a noun, that's a fortune.
He wants to have dinner with you after the show.
-You think you can make it? -I think so.
I'II teII him. $10,000 a week, 10 weeks guarantee. We're on our way.
I know what you're thinking.
And you ought to be ashamed of yourseIf.
To the Count's opening night in Chicago.
To the cIosing night, may it never come.
Do you mind if I ask you a personaI question, Mr. Marchand?
He wiII, whether you mind or not.
I worry more about answers than questions.
It's rather obvious that Mr. Bernstein is on hand to insure your...
...continued good heaIth.
That's not a question.
Why is he sitting way over there?
Strategic.
Broader fieId of vision, cIearer fieId of fire.
-You must have been in the army. -Once or twice.
Do you mind if I join him? He Iooks so IoneIy.
-No, I don't mind. -I promise not to inhibit his fieId of fire.
IncorrigibIe.
How Iong have you known Mr. Todd?
A Iong time.
May I ask you a personaI question?
A cIever man once said:
''It's not the questions I'm worried about.''
What's the attraction?
WouId you beIieve me if I toId you we were in Iove?
No.
Because homosexuaIity is unnaturaI and a sin?
According to whom?
Pious cIergymen and terrified heterosexuaIs.
Them.
You're smiIing, and I don't beIieve you.
You're not smiIing, and you shouId be.
I think I better go wash my hands. Excuse me.
Do you ever get the feeIing sometimes that you're a sinking ship?
-ConstantIy. -Now, there, you're smiIing.
You Iight up when you smiIe.
That's a funny thing to say.
-What do you mean? -I mean, one man to another.
It seems Toddy and Mr. Bernstein have found something in common.
CasseII was teIIing me that Mr. Todd was the headIiner at Chez Lui.
You know Chez Lui?
No, but I was thinking that we might drop by Iater...
...and you couId educate me.
I have the feeIing that educating you...
...wouId be about as redundant as teaching a Iion to Iike red meat.
Cigar?
May I?
PIease.
Thank you.
-Regarde, c'est Victor. -Toddy! What a pIeasure!
-Come this way, pIease. -Regarde, c'est Victor.
I have a tabIe for you. The best of course. This is a deIight.
It's Victor!
PIease, a bottIe of champagne.
Thank you.
Take this bottIe over to that tabIe. They're very speciaI guests.
My friends! My friends!
Tonight, I am happy and honored to have with us...
...one of the great entertainers of our time.
The toast of Paris, Victor!
Perhaps Victor...
...wiII honor us with a song.
Give us a G with your Ieft hand, Sid.
Something I wanted to do aII my Iife.
-Me harmony. -Okay.
WaIk this way.
-Taught him everything he knows. -That's why he has so IittIe Ieft.
I'II get you for that.
Very difficuIt step.
Such a fuss.
-This way, pIease. -Sorry about that.
-WeII, that was fun. Now what do we do? -You got us into this, you get us out.
-May I? -I'd be deIighted.
-You're Ieading again. -I'm sorry.
-Why do we have to come here? -This is the pIace.
Joe, don't argue with me. This is it.
-Shush, yourseIf! -Waiter!
What do we have to do? Just stand there?
-Didn't you reserve a tabIe? -Of course, I reserved a tabIe.
-Let's sit down! -PIease! It's Victor!
-I don't care if it's NoeI frigging Coward! -Quiet!
This way.
My God!
You rotten bastard!
You get away from me!
No, no! PIease!
No.
You!
Everybody! This is a respectabIe pIace!
PIease!
-I'm so sorry! -So am I!
Stop, pIease!
Cockroach!
HaIt! HaIt!
I don't care if you are a man.
I am not a man.
I stiII don't care.
-Cockroach! Cockroach! -I've never seen you before in my Iife.
Monsieur Labisse!
Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I thought....
I'm reaIIy sorry.
HonestIy, I'm sorry.
Squash.
Hey, Squash. Look, I know what you're thinking.
No, you don't.
In one feII swoop you've changed my whoIe Iife.
It wasn't that kind of swoop.
Listen, boss...
...if a guy Iike you has got the guts to admit he's gay...
...so can I.
You've made me so happy.
You know, I....
-What's wrong? -Nothing, nothing.
I'm finding this trip to Paris a IittIe more...
...bizarre than usuaI.
Thanks a Iot.
-Not you. No, not you. -Why not me?
I mean, a woman pretending to be man pretending to be--
-WeII, you can stop pretending. -And do what?
Be yourseIf.
And what's that?
What do you mean? You're a woman in Iove with a man.
-Yes. -Are we communicating?
You said, ''A woman in Iove with a man,'' but you didn't finish.
Okay. What's the finish?
A woman in Iove with a man, pretending to be a man--
I said, ''You can stop pretending.''
But, you see, I don't think I want to.
I'm a big star now. I'm a success.
Oh, that.
And something more.
I find it aII reaIIy fascinating.
There are things avaiIabIe to me as a man...
...that I couId never have as a woman.
-I'm emancipated. -Emancipated?
WeII, I'm my own man, so to speak.
You shouId be abIe to reIate to that.
To be honest with you, I'm having troubIe reIating to anything.
If we'II have any kind of future together it's important that you understand.
I want to understand.
WouId it be fair for me to ask you to give up your job?
-It'd be ridicuIous. -But you expect me to give up mine.
-There's a difference, for Christ's sake! -Right, but there shouIdn't be.
WeII, Iook, I'm not the one pretending to be someone eIse.
Let's put the shoe on the other foot.
Let's say that you're a man, and I'm a woman pretending to be a man.
I think it wouId depend a Iot on why you were pretending.
You said, it's important that I understand.
-It's important that you understand, too. -Sure.
Love is a two-way street.
-Why did I say that? -I don't know, but what's your point?
You said, if we were going to have any kind of future....
WeII, what do you mean by future?
-We'II Iive together? -PossibIy.
-SIeep together? -HopefuIIy.
WhiIe you keep on working?
-Yes. -Pretending to be a man.
If I didn't, I wouIdn't have a job.
And whiIe we're Iiving and sIeeping together, what's everybody going to think?
I guess they'II think that you're Iiving and sIeeping with a man.
-How do you feeI about that? -They'II think the same about me!
-But you're a woman. -They don't know.
You do.
And you know you're a man! I don't see the difference.
We'II be Iiving a damned Iie.
I don't think that's what's reaIIy bothering you.
WeII, if you think I'm worried about everybody thinking I'm a fag, you're right.
So, we have a probIem.
I guess we have.
WeII, it's probabIy for the best.
That's as bad as, ''Love is a two-way street.''
What it Iacks in originaIity, it makes up for in prophecy.
EventuaIIy, I'd ask you to stop being a gangster...
...because I was worried about everyone thinking I was your moII.
I am not a gangster.
Just a businessman with a bodyguard.
A businessman who does business with gangsters...
...and doesn't have a bodyguard is soon out of business.
A businessman who does business with gangsters...
...and pretends he's not a gangster sounds Iike the kind of act I do.
I think we're both pretenders.
And that's not a very good basis for a reIationship.
But it was fun whiIe it Iasted.
-Have a nice evening? -Up to a point.
-What happened to you? -Nothing much. We were aII arrested.
André caIIed his Iawyer, who baiIed us out.
You remember Mr. Bernstein.
Count Grazinski.
Mr. Bernstein.
-Squash. -Yeah.
-Can I ask you a personaI question? -Go ahead.
How Iong.... ExactIy when did you know about....
When did I know I was gay?
God, I can't remember when I wasn't.
I've known you for 15 years!
WeII, you know a Iot of guys, boss. You'd be surprised.
You were an aII-American.
I never saw a meaner, rougher, tougher, son-of-a-bitch footbaII pIayer in aII my Iife.
Listen, if you didn't want the guys to caII you queer...
...you became a rough, tough, son-of-a-bitching footbaII pIayer.
Why don't you watch where you're going?
He says it was your fauIt, and suggests that you apoIogize.
-He does? -Come on.
No, no, no. WiII you teII him, if he'd Iike an apoIogy...
...he can just get him some gIoves and I'II see him in the ring?
Just give him 10 minutes. He'II be deIighted to obIige.
Oh, he wiII?
''He'd be deIighted to obIige''! Who the heII does he think he is?
Guy Langois, the French middIeweight boxing champion.
But don't worry. He's gay.
-Mr. Bernstein. -Count.
I think we shouId try Iiving together.
Your pIace or mine?
-Monsieur Labisse? -Yes.
You caIIed. I am CharIes Bovin, private investigator.
Good. There is something I want you to find out for me.
-At your service. -Be carefuI.
Monsieur, I am aIways carefuI.
That stooI is broken.
It is?
Penny?
Oh, nothing. There are a Iot of things, I guess.
I want to make a deaI.
No secrets, no grudge coIIecting.
If something bothers us, we say so, okay?
Okay.
And we don't pIan past tomorrow.
Just take it a day at a time.
DeaI.
He's got a good right-hand. He doesn't use it.
There's the right! The right, I toId you. I toId you. He's got him.
Hook him! Hook him!
Yes!
AII right! AII right!
Is something wrong?
We've had dinner in the hoteI every night for a week now.
When we go out after the show you're usuaIIy so tired...
...you spend the next day sIeeping. This way we go to bed reasonabIy earIy...
...and get to spend a few afternoons together.
-Do you know what I'd reaIIy Iove to do? -What?
Skip a few afternoons and go dancing.
Dancing?
Let's go.
Take her back to the hoteI. See you Iater.
-Boss. -Just do what I teII you, okay?
I'II be aII right. Go on.
I just wanted to go dancing.
If two guys wanted to go dancing together they'd be a IittIe unorthodox at the Ritz.
I guess the probIem is we're not reaIIy two guys.
I guess that is the probIem.
Stop. Driver, back up.
MiIk.
Cow's miIk, monsieur, or mother's miIk?
How about your sister's?
Oh, shit!
You're earIy.
Seems Iike I'm a bacheIor again.
It's just as weII.
Mr. Bernstein was beginning to make a permanent dent in the mattress.
Oh, Toddy.
I am very much in Iove and I don't know what to do.
Here. I can't stand to see a grown man cry.
You got it.
-You're reaI Iucky, boss. -Lucky?
You're Iucky you didn't break anything.
I couIdn't feeI any worse if I broke everything.
Have you seen so many bruises?
On a whoIe footbaII team.
I feeI Iike I spent the night in a cement mixer.
HeIIo, faggot.
I knew things were going too good to Iast.
HoId it.
Now, head up.
Just a touch.
-Victor doesn't Iook very weII. -It's nothing serious.
A few nights on his back under a speciaIist and he'II be Iike new.
-Good. -Victor, darIing...
...do you think you couId possibIy manage to Iook a IittIe Iess funereaI?
René, darIing.
-Yes? -Why don't you go suck an egg?
-I do wish you'd think about it. -I have thought about it, Toddy.
For the past two weeks, I've spent a Iot of time thinking about it.
For the seven hours I couIdn't sIeep Iast night, I thought about it constantIy.
I've come to the concIusion that it's just not worth it.
I am extremeIy unhappy and I don't have to be...
...because there is an aIternative.
Tonight wiII be Count Victor Grazinski's finaI performance.
And tomorrow I'II announce to the worId that I am reaIIy Victoria Grant...
...who may be Iucky enough to ceIebrate her womanhood...
...as Mrs. King Marchand.
WeII?
''WeII,'' what? You've made up your mind.
I want your bIessing.
Can I answer the door first?
-There's a bit of a probIem. -WeIcome.
What's wrong?
King's partner, SaI Andratti, showed up with a coupIe of his torpedoes.
SaI put up the money for the cIub, but the Mob doesn't consider...
...homosexuaIity an acceptabIe IifestyIe.
KiII him, but mustn't kiss him.
-Let's go, Mr. Bernstein. -Let's go, Mr. Bernstein.
-Your Iawyer Iooked. Says it's okay. -That's reassuring. How is my Iawyer?
Picture of heaIth.
Lipstick and a nightgown?
What, do you take turns being the girI?
That is disgusting!
I know. It's awfuI!
Jesus, King, a guy Iike you? We grew up together.
Yeah, it probabIy had something to do with it.
Come on, SaI, you know my haIf is worth 10 times that much.
Sign the paper.
HeIIo, darIing.
-Hi, SaI. -Who the heII are you?
Just remember your bIood pressure, Nummy.
-This is the Count, and this is-- -''Nummy''?
This is Mr. Toddy.
They were Iovers before Pooky showed up.
-That's disgusting! -They're perverted.
''Pooky''? CouId I have a word with you?
-What do you need? -It'II change your Iife.
-SaI! Get this-- -Freeze!
What's.... What are you doing?
Oh, my God!
What are you.... Oh, God!
What is happening here?
Wait!
Lock the door.
What's going on in there?
You know, you guys are in a Iot of troubIe.
You two-timing son of a bitch! He's a woman!
Labisse is on his way here with the poIice. He cIaims you are not a man.
Stay there.
-Yes? -I am Inspector Bernheim.
-Yes? -Stand aside.
I know aII about your Count Grazinski.
And when the Inspector has exposed the imposter--
''Imposter''?
Yes, imposter. You wiII aII be arrested for perpetrating a pubIic fraud!
PIease, Inspector.
WeII?
-Idiot! -What?
-That's a man. -It can't be.
When I waIked in, the person in the room was naked from the waist down.
And if that was a woman, she was wearing the greatest disguise I've seen.
Wait. There's something wrong.
It can't be. I hired a private detective and....
Hurry.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...once again, the nightclub is proud to present the one...
...the only Victoria!
Monsieur Labisse, my biII.
Oh, God!
Where the heII am I?
You beast!
Some hit show.
Is that it?
You bitches.
Bravo!
You were marveIous!
And I never want to see any of you again.
I might as weII. They're the Iast roses I'II ever see.
Vous.
EngIish subtitIes conformed by SOFTITLER